Glass

I haven’t actually spoken to Glass since freshman year, when we were sort of friends. We were in PE together, and being scared freshmen of similar personalities and similar social status (at least at the time), we clung to each other and stuck the year out.

One time during freshman year, she was crying. I don’t really remember why, but I put an arm around her, and she didn’t sob, she didn't make any sort of noise; just kind of looked at me with her eyes glassy, tears dripping down her face with black eye makeup mixed in, and then she turned away, wiping her eyes, and walked to the bathroom to fix her face. Taking careful steps, and pushing on the bathroom door gently, as though anything coming into contact with her could break her.

She’s changed since. She’s become a cheerleader, and she joined the band—making her both a popular kid and a geek, giving her sort of an identity crisis, and making football season the craziest time of year for her.

But even though she does different things now, she’s never really changed in my mind since that moment. Walking into the bathroom, her shoulders a little quivery, her body sort of fragile, her eyes full of melting glass.

Glass and I don’t have any classes together anymore; actually, I don’t really have any sort of way of observing her at school. So instead, I’ve been observing her in a different way: through what she posts on the Internet.

On Twitter, Glass quotes Miley Cyrus songs. Gushes about Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Posts vague things about how much she hates her life. Makes giggly refereces to her friends and how crazy and obnoxious they all are.

Once in awhile, a little low self-esteem drips in.

i’m fattttt ugh.

She’s not fat.

note to self: be happy and healthy and buy cute clothes in smaller sizes. yes. ok wish me luck :)

Granted, she’s fatter than most of the other cheerleaders, but that’s because she doesn’t have an eating disorder. Though, based on some of the things she posts, she’s well on her way to getting one.

Cheer was lame. I left my stuff outside when i went to talk to my counselor, but everyone went inside. do you think anyone put my bag inside? nope because i have no friends.

When you think of cheerleaders and band geeks, you think of people who really have a place where they belong. They have a strong, centered group of friends. Glass is both a cheerleader and a band geek, but feels like she doesn't have any friends.

How many people feel this way? Even among the people who are supposed to be their teammates—their family?

So today i woke up at 7.30 haha it was strange, but i went to school anyway and it was weird. i just hate school so much anymore. i feel like i still don’t know who i am, even though i should. i just feel like a blob who doesn’t say anything. i wish i could start over.